A golfer ran into a friend he not seen for years at the driving range one day. They talked about their games, their swings, and all sorts of things. Eventually, one of them said, “How’s the family?” The other replied, “Oh, pretty good. I got a new set of clubs for the wife the other day!” “Hey, good trade!” replied the friend!

—

Rab addressed the ball and took a magnificent swing but somehow, something went wrong and a horrible slice resulted. The ball went onto the adjoining fairway and hit a man full force. He dropped!
Rab and his partner ran up to the stricken victim who lay, quite unconscious, with the ball between his feet.
“Good heavens” said Rab, “what shall I do?”
“Don’t move him” said his playing partner, “if we leave him here he becomes an immovable obstruction and you can either play the ball as it lies or drop it
two club lengths away.”

—

A priest, Jesus, and an old man tee off. The priest drives the green within 5 yards of the hole.
Jesus slices the ball and it goes into the water hazard. He quickly runs across the water and hits his second onto the green 2 inches from the hole.
The old man tees off with a short worm burner that trickles into the hazard. Soon after a fish eats the ball and swims across the pond with it in its mouth. Just then an eagle swoops down and snatches the fish with the golf ball and flies off. The eagle loses its grip and drops the fish on the green. The fish then spits out the ball and it rolls into the hole for a hole in one.
Jesus turns to the old man and replies, “Play fair dad!”
 

 One kiss to know relationship

Mind your language

An Australian touring round Britain was playing on a small course in Devonshire. He was on the first green and about to putt when he was suddenly beset by a flock of seagulls.

“Piss off, will ya’,” he cried, thrashing at the birds.

A sweet little old lady who was sitting knitting near the green came over to speak to him.

“Excuse me,” she said. “There’s no need to speak to the little birdies like that. All you need to say is `Shoo shoo little birdies!’ Then they’ll piss off.”

 
  It still hurts

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: Please allow me to help.

I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me she told him earnestly.

Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I’ll be alright…I’ll be fine in a few minutes, he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him: How does that feel? To which he replied: It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell. 
 

 Top ten best remarks by golf caddies

Funny jokes, mainly about golf, also, funny quotes about golf and caddy commentary at www.A-GameGolf.com. Take a mulligan and check out all the funny golf material at A-Game Golf. Funny jokes, funny quotes, and more! Funny jokes golf quotes lines joke funny tiger woods

A

A young woman dressed in shorts had been taking golf lessons. She had just started playing her first round of golf when she suffered a bee sting. Her pain was so intense that she decided to return to the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked “Why are you back in so early? What’s wrong?”

“I was stung by a bee!”- she said.

“Where?” he asked.

“Between the first and second hole,” she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said, “Then your stance is too wide.”

B

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar. He didn’t have a lighter, so he asked his friend if he had one. ‘I sure do,’ he replied while he reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12-inch Bic lighter.

‘Wow!’ said his friend, ‘Where did you get that monster lighter?’

‘I got it from my genie.’

‘You have a genie?’

‘Yes, right here in my golf bag.’

‘Could I see him?’

He opens his golf bag and out pops a genie. The friend asks the genie, ‘Since, I’m a good friend of your master, will you grant me one wish?’

‘Yes I will” the genie replies.

The friend asks the genie for a million bucks. The genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there, waiting for his million bucks. Suddenly, the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, ‘I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!’

He answers,’I forgot to tell you that the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12 inch Bic?’

See some even more funny golf stories.

A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer. The husband said I’m sorry I hid this from you but the truth is every time I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer. The wife was very upset at first but after thinking about it said “I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the $2000 in the drawer. The husband replied” Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them.

—

Nick, an avid golfer uses a “Medium” to ask if Heaven has a Golf Course.
The Medium says that his request is a big order, but he will try and find out and get back to him in a few days.
Several days later, Nick gets a call from the Medium.
“Well, what did you find out?” asks Nick.
“I’ve got good news and bad news for you,” said the Medium.
“OK,” “what’s the good news” Nick said excitedly.
“Well, there’s is a beautiful 36 hole golf course in Heaven, and you’ll have 24 hour access with your own personal caddy,” blurted out the Medium!
“And the bad news?” asked Nick
“You’re due to tee-off this Sunday at around 10 in the morning!”

—

A married couple are at their breakfast table. The wife says to her husband: “Honey, if I die before you will you remarry?”
“Well,” says the husband, “we have had a good marriage, so, yes, I’d probably remarry.”
A few minutes later she asks: “Honey, if I die before you, and you remarry, would you bring her to live in our house?”
He thinks about this then says, “Well, we worked hard to pay off the mortgage and it would be silly to move someplace else so, yes, I think I would bring her to live here.”
Another few minutes go by, then she says, “Honey, if I die before you and you remarry and you bring her to live here in our house, would you let her use my golf clubs?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” he blurts out, “she’s a lefty!” 

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